In the last post, I summarized tips for giving and receiving feedback, and triggers from Thanks for the Feedback, by Stone and Heen. In this post I will continue using the book as a resource and will cover the components of an effective feedback conversation.

There are three parts of this form of feedback conversation: Opening, Body, and Closing.

1. Opening: Getting Aligned. In this step, make sure you agree on the purpose. As a receiver of feedback, what would be most useful right now? As a giver of feedback, what is the underlying issue? Make sure you state whether the feedback and resulting actions are final or negotiable. All of these clarifications will provide a guiding light to the conversation and help both participants decide how to proceed constructively.
2. Body: Managing the Conversation. Focus on the four following skills:
   • Listen: Clarify, paraphrase, and acknowledge the others’ feelings and to show that you hear and understand them.
   • Assert your point of view: Find the balance between advocating, leaning in, and sticking up for yourself. Your point of view is one piece of the data that enriches the conversation. Focus on the underlying needs or interests rather than the positions (what people say they want).
   • Use process moves: During the conversation you can explicitly note when you are stuck/off track and suggest a better direction or process to improve interactions, acting as both a participant and a referee. Empathy and curiosity are nurtured when we feel that both participants are acting in a respectful manner.

“Supercommunicators had an exceptional ability
to observe the discussion, diagnose where it was going wrong,
and make explicit process interventions to correct it.” – Stone and Heen

• • Problem solve: Consider what you should do as a result of the topic. Remember that when we collaborate we can create new possibilities that we didn’t even consider on our own.

3. Close. Discuss what you have agreed to do next and make a clear, explicit commitment. This may include an action plan, benchmarks and consequences for not meeting the benchmark, contracts/agreements, and/or new strategies. Note that this may lead to ongoing conversations.

To promote a community open to feedback and continuous improvement, be a role model by demonstrating how you receive and act on feedback. Ask three people you work closely with to name one thing they feel is most important for you to work on. A sample prompt is: “What’s one thing I could change that would make a difference to you?” Look for themes in the recommendations. Try small experiments by visualizing then trying them out in small, low stakes situations. Then reflect on the results. It helps to have a coach or partner to support you in this work. It is useful to approach this as you would approach play, with a sense of humor and celebration when you meet a benchmark. And remember that when you first implement a change, it may feel uncomfortable, but over time skills will improve and you will feel less awkward. (I highly recommend Immunity to Change to go into this process more deeply.)

Another strategy to use as a role model is to share learning stories. Share how you’ve approached mistakes and feedback, how you’ve asserted your interests in conversations, how you’ve given yourself a second score (see last post), how you’ve sought out and engaged in being coached, and how you’ve nurtured a feedback-welcoming identity.

1. “Nothing affects the learning culture of an organization more than
   the skill with which its executive team receives feedback.”
   – Stone and Heen

Resource:
Thanks for the Feedback, Stone and Heen